My Wish List for Chnlove.com

Having spent over a $1,000 on credits so far on Chnlove.com and having communicated with a few dozen ladies there, I have come up with a Wish List for what I believe would improve the Chnlove dating website service for everyone.

Let's face it, the Chnlove website is a bit dated. (No pun intended). It's also hosted (as far as I can determine) in Hong Kong, so it's not going to give you fast responses if you are browsing it Stateside.

Here is my wishlist for the website, and the Chnlove dating service in general:

1. Encourage ladies to write longer letters. I have lost track of the number of letters I got that were a half dozen or so lines long. When the man is paying $4 and upwards per letter, it gets pretty expensive when a lady jots down a few lines and sends it to you. I have discontinued a number of relationships because the lady would insist on sending a very short letter every day. Perhaps the owners of Chnlove could encourage each lady to use up most of the 6,000 characters allowed. (I am assuming they have an equivalent limit when typing Chinese). Perhaps they could have a "star" system or "grade" system that encourages them to add images and to write a letter of decent length.
2. Insist on at least one natural photo on her profile. So many times, when I finally got a natural photo from a lady on the site, it was SO DIFFERENT from the staged, studio quality photos on her profile. Just yesterday, I finally got a natural photo, taken with probably a mobile phone, from my lady. In this, I could clearly see that her teeth were not nearly as perfectly lined up as they were in the profile pictures. So, I went back to look again at her profile pictures, zoomed in to her mouth, and I could see the subtle Photoshop touch-up marks on the image. I know it's what people do (touch up photos using Photoshop), and it's great to look at these often fantastically beautiful studio photos, but it can be a great disappointment when you finally get to see what the lady actually looks like. Sooner or later, the REAL woman must present herself.
   From the other side -- the men's side of Chnlove.com -- I know it is in my interests to let the lady know what I look like and what I bring to the table in general, and the sooner the better. Be Honest. Be Honest Early.
3. Support for mobile phones. Like most sites out there, Chnlove.com is almost impossible to browse using a modern smartphone. I have often wanted to check the site early in the morning -- before I even get out of bed -- using my phone, but it is very difficult to view the website because it is designed for a big screen, with no consideration for mobile visitors. The owners of Chnlove.com must realize that over 50% of all web viewing today is done using a small resolution screen (like that on a cellphone). To see what I mean, look at the website www.reuters.com on your laptop and then look at it on your smart phone. Then look at chnlove.com on your smart phone.
4. Sort communications by lady. It would make it much easier to view letters sorted by lady, and time (latest first, as it is now). In fact, the website needs something like a tree-like hierarchy to represent conversations. I would suggest a model like gmail.
5. Search inside letters. I often want to look for something she mentioned many letters ago, but I must search letter by letter. Surely the letters are stored in a SQL db or something, and they can be easily searched.
6. Show images already sent. I have dozens of photos I might send. I'd like to see what I have already sent to a particular lady, so that I don't accidentally resend the same image multiple times. Display a mosaic of all images I have ever sent to anyone on Chnlove.com. Gray out those I've sent to a given lady, or use some visual graphic to show that she has already gotten this image from me. Allow me to multi-select three to send to her. Look at how facebook handles images.
7. Allow bulk upload of my images. I would like to upload all my images in one go to my Chnlove account -- let's call it my "private gallery" -- then cherry-pick from that selection as I progress.
8. View all images so far per lady. Every picture received from a lady would be saved to my profile under the lady's name, so I could view all pictures from any one of the ladies I have communicated with.
9. Same image features for ladies. I very often get the same image multiple times from a lady, which always disappoints me. Maybe she loses track or forgets which ones she has already sent to me, but she should have the same image selection available to her, with a similar representation to show which ones she has already sent to a given man.
10. Encourage ladies to write quality letters. One of the most off-putting letters is one full of "I love you, I love you, I love, kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss" and on and on. Again, it is important for the lady to understand that the man is paying for the letter, so he will be put off by ladies spending his money on fluffy emails that clearly have not taken any effort.
11. Autosave on edit. I don't like to type letters into Notepad or such, because I can't see how close I am getting to the 6,000 character limit. You might also use a kind of colored status bar to show how much of 6,000 character limit I have already typed. It needs to save letter every minute or so. Take a look at how blog software or gmail or such work.
12. Don't kill letter on failed send. A few times, I clicked Send after typing a letter only to lose the letter because, for example, the network was down for that moment. I got some kind of message to say the send failed, but the typed letter was gone. Pretty basic stuff this, fellas. Real websites don't ask the user to "type it somewhere else then paste here". That just tells the visitor your website is not robust.
13. Allow receivers to rate letters. I would allow each reader to rate a letter with 1 to 5 stars, or maybe give textual feedback also. If, at a future date, the lady has ratings from more than let's say 2 or 3 men, she can view her ratings and feedback presented anonymously. I would rate on length, content quality, and photo quality. and some textual feedback. I think you will find that many ladies will score badly on letter length.

Alright, so that's my feedback to the Chnlove website development team, if they ever read this... Add a comment below if you do! 

Thanks and keep up the great work!

It all happens very fast on Chnlove.com if you're ready for it

In my first few encounters on Chnlove, I was struck by how quickly the ladies were willing to develop the relationship. It became apparent to me that most of the women were there to find a life long partner, and to find him quickly.

And if you ever get to visit one of these fine ladies in her home country of China, and spend perhaps a week or two with her, you will likely see another door open wide for you: If the lady you are visiting is interested in you, she will likely make her intentions obvious. Be prepared to take a chance and ask her to marry you if you think she is suitable.

I don't know what the statistics are, but I would guess, among those from Chnlove who eventually tie the knot, most are engaged after just one visit.

And why not? Life is short, and marriage is a risk no matter what you do. Why not go for it if you love her and she loves you. You already know it won't be like the average Western relationship where everyone is expecting eternal love and devotion, but not expecting to give it. Your Chinese bride will be your ever-devoted wife and partner. But you already knew that, or you wouldn't be reading this.

What to do when you no longer wish to continue with a lady on Chnlove

Dumping someone, for the want of a better term, is never easy. Unless you have no heart of course.

I have to believe that every man that signs up on Chnlove.com connects with several women there, and doesn't limit himself to a single lady. Perhaps not all at the same time, but over the course of your membership, it would be odd to imagine you could find that special woman on the first try.

When you join Chnlove, you will likely connect with several, perhaps many women and drift away from most of them when relationships don't reach some kind of critical mass. Eventually, if you are lucky, you and your future bride will find each other and survive the test of time and distance, bringing your daliances on Chnlove to a happy conclusion in the form of marriage. In the meantime, though, there is plenty of housekeeping to be done. Some ladies might lose interest in you, and you will lose interest in some of them. You can't communicate with all of them forever, and you certainly can't settle down with more than one of them, so you will inevitably have to end some of the relationships deliberately. Some of the short relationships will simply drift away to die alone in the desert. Others will hang around like that nobody-knows-what-it-is-anymore thing in your freezer. These have to be taken care of, for everyone's sake.

So when does a relationship on Chnlove "end" and how do you make that happen? Do you ignore a lady's letters in the hope that she "gets the message", or do you use the Block feature on Chnlove to simply stop her from writing to you? If you do block her using that feature, which of the three "reasons" do you select, and how can you know how that block message is presented to the lady on the other end?

Drowning a sack of kittens

Today I did in fact block two ladies with whom I was communicating for a few months, so this is all fresh in my mind as I type this.
I'd been wringing my hands for about two weeks, wondering how I would break it off with these two ladies. And so, this morning, I reduced the number of ladies I was communicating with from three to one, in the belief that the remaining "one" might actually be The One. I don't know that she is The One for sure yet, but conversations are definitely getting a "planning the future" quality to them.

BUT, I did send each of the other two -- the "runners-up" you might call them -- a final letter before I used the Block feature on Chnlove. I explained exactly what had happened. I was very close to three, I explained, but had to finally decide to limit my communications now to just one lady. I explained that it was a hard choice, taken only after a lot of soul searching. I told them I "wished I were three people", the choice was so hard, and I encouraged them not to be disheartened, that there where good men waiting for them, and soon they would make another connection with a good man again.
All pretty patronizing blather, really, though my intentions were sincere. Being a gentleman about it, I thought, might have made it even more painful for them because they might think, oh that proves he's a gentleman and the kind of man I want.

I felt like I was putting a litter of kittens into a sack and tossing the sack into a deep lake. I really did feel very bad about it, actually. Of course, there was a good chance that each lady was in fact communicating with several other men on Chnlove, but I had no way of knowing that. Even if they were, a break-up letter can be a real punch in the gut. I knew it was the right thing to do, though and the longer I put it off, the harder it was going to be.

Still, it's hard to dump someone and not hurt their feelings. If you don't hurt their feelings, you're probably not explaining the situation honestly to them. It's hard to strike that firm-but-kind balance. But it is harder on everyone and indeed more cruel to drag it out -- or to be vague -- when you know you have decided who The One is. You can write a kind but honest letter to each of the ladies you will not continue with, without driving a dagger through their heart.

Remember, you are not communicating with Western women here. The average Western woman will need only a few minutes to get over you, especially if they have never met you. Not so with Chinese women! Chinese culture is one which, when it works well, respects the sensibilities of each woman, and rejection can be devastating to her. You really must do your best to let them down gently, reminding them of their warm heart, kindness, attractiveness and qualities of the lady that she is. Remind her about all the great qualities that attracted you to her.
My feeling is, explaining to her she was one of a small number of Excellent Candidates will help her a lot in not feeling like she is a total reject.

I had a few early connections that I eventually broke off by writing a caring Chnlove letter, only to get sucked into a series of back-and-forth communications about "how she would wait for me", and "how I was her ideal mate", and so on. Don't let that happen. My advice to you, if you want to discontinue communications with a lady on Chnlove, is this: Send her a polite and sincere letter, then block her with Reason B. It's quick, it's honest, and it helps everyone to move on.

The balance you must strike here is one of letting her know clearly that it is over, and still not pushing her over a cliff in one big surprise shove.

It does cost a few dollars for you to write each letter, but it is the right thing to do. And it is good karma to respect the lady and take your time to write that let-down letter to her. Once you have written that final letter to her, spare her the need to respond back to you: use the Block feature on Chnlove to block her from communicating with you. I suggest you use "Reason B" when you do that. "Reason B" will tell her respectfully that you have found someone else.

Remember, too, that you have being paying for all the communications so far. You may also have send her gifts. And if you haven't had a phone call yet, I would be less worried about letting her down that I would be if, for example, you've already visited her in her home country. In the end, every lady on Chnlove must understand how this all works. In terms of how you end a relationship on Chnlove, your options are fairly limited: if you need to end the relationship, do it. As my grandfather used to say "ya gotta know when to shoot your dog".

The very first lady I communicated with, I did dump in the end, but I was very sloppy about it, and I regret very much how I handled that. I think I left her confused and hurt, and i promised myself I would not do that again. I learned later to be more graceful.  It is absolutely worth the few dollars credit to write her that final letter. She deserves your honesty, and it really does come with the territory of being a gentleman.

After you have behaved like a gentleman, know that she will in time get over it. Some ladies of course cry their eyes out every evening for a month after being dumped. Others will simply focus more on the other men on the site they have stayed in connection with. Oh, you though you were the only one??? Now THAT is something worth crying about!

Is Chnlove.com a scam?

No. It is not a scam.

I know this because I have used it to meet quite a few ladies and without exception, they all turned out to be what I expected. Even the one who didn't show up at the airport, I did kind of know something like that was likely to happen.

It is tempting to think you
are being scammed

Just for the record, I have no affiliation with the Chnlove.com website or their services. I am speaking solely from the point of view of someone who has spent quite a bit of money on their website, looking for the woman of my dreams.

I am convinced that, if you are a western man looking for a genuine life-long partner, and you use the Chnlove website service with care and attention, you will find your dream woman here.

If you are playing the field -- in other words, looking to score some easy sex with a Chinese woman, this site is not for you. You will have to invest some time and effort into developing your relationship for some time before an opportunity for intimacy surfaces.

Differences between Filipinas and Chinese as potential partners

A typical Filipina

I've heard it said that "all women are the same" and I've also heard that "every woman is different". There are many different opinions out there about what women are like, it's impossible for any of us men to know anything really. Which is why we love women.

Anyway, it is indeed hard to paint any group of people with the same proverbial brush. Having said that, I will give you the benefit of my experiences -- which may be totally worthless -- of having dated extensively on both the FilipinoCupid.com website and the Chnlove.com website. My experience tells me there are prevailing attitudes and behaviors on each of these.

Filipino women -- or, Filipinas -- are relaxed, and comfortable with the notion of dating long distance. Many of them are indeed very interested in teaming up with a Western man and emigrating to live with you. They are in general more "sexually liberated" than Chinese women are, and are usually comfortable with hopping into bed with their new partner (you) within a day of two of meeting you at the airport. They are an irony to the supposed Church-dominated society where abortion and divorce are illegal, and where a packet of condoms costs about a week's salary of the average worker.

There is a long tradition of Filipinas marrying Westerners, moving to North America, and supporting their family back home ever after.

Chinese women are more cautious. It appears as if a much higher percentage of Chinese women remain largely sexually inactive outside of a committed, long term relationship. That's not to say they won't climb into bed with you when you visit them in China for the first time. They are simply not as westernized or liberated as Filipino women are. Still, a Chinese woman who has gone to the trouble of investing in her relationship with you will likely believe you expect a more sexually active partner than a local Chinese man might expect. She will also know, you won't look down on her in the morning, as might be the case with her countrymen.

A typical Chinese woman

Possibly because they come from a "Cradle-to-Grave" society, as China has been for decades, Chinese women have more of a "dependency" attitude than their Filipino equivalents have. Chinese women, generally speaking, expect to be rescued, in the sense that you will take care of them in a more old-fashioned way. Filipinas, on the other hand, have never had a government (or anyone else) that was every going to look after them. I see this difference reflecting itself in the more independent and self-sufficient woman you might ultimately have at your side if you marry and bring a Filipina to the States.

Filipinas generally know how to "work the system" of the online dating world. You will find that, early on in your relationship with your Filipina, she may ask you for money. I lost count of the number of Filipinas I began online chatting with only to be asked for money to help cover her mother's hospital bills. I never sent any, but I lost track of how often I was asked. $300 seems to be the magic number.

Rule #1: Don't send money to anyone you have never met.

Still, you soft-hearted person, you will probably break that rule quickly.

If you want a flexible lady partner who can take your Bohemian, rough-and-tumble lifestyle in her stride, I recommend a Filipina. If you want a woman with a deeper cultural background and who expects to live a more traditional, structured family life, a Chinese woman might be more suited to your needs.

Almost any Filipina you might marry and bring to the US will want to send money -- perhaps in the range of $300 to $600 -- back to her family every month. if you can cover that, you will have her undying loyalty for the rest of your life.

This is a gross generalization, of course, but Filipinas tend to have more of a sense of humor than Chinese ladies. It is perhaps because many Chinese are brought up in a single child family environment, and Filipinas are mostly raised in a crowded, extended family environment, with plenty of socialization from the day they were born.

The further south in China you go, though, the more easy-going the Chinese women seem to be. I can't explain that. I just found it to be the case in my travels. It's almost like, they are more "German-like" in the North and more "Italian-like" in the South.
There I go again reinforcing stereotypes!

Divorced, then jumping onto Chnlove.com

I have to say, after my divorce, I was simply not interested in even dating a Western woman. After 18 years of marriage to a white American woman, I was pretty much done with Western women. It was time to try something new.

The temptation is to believe that somehow a woman who looks and sounds different is going to actually be different. The reality is, if a woman you marry turns out to be, well, a bitch, it won't matter so much how exotic she appears. And if you marry the girl next door, she could turn out to be an excellent life-long marriage partner.

Having said all that, there is no denying the cultural effect a country can have on a person. Culture is what gets imprinted upon a person by the collective, to make them behave in ways that might seem incomprehensible when observed in an individual's behavior.

Give yourself two years from the date your divorce was final before you tie the knot with anyone new. You need that time to decompress and to see any potential in any kind of clear light.

Differences between Chnlove.com and FilipinoCupid.com

It goes without saying that dating a Filipino woman is a completely different experience to dating a Chinese woman, and depending on what kind of relationship you want in life, a woman from either of these respective countries offers a rather different experience. This blog posting is more about how the respective dating sites Chnlove.com and FilipinoCupid.com work. I'll talk about what I feel are the differences between women from the two countries in a different posting.

I would describe the ...cupid.com websites -- which are all owned and operated by the same company in Australia I believe -- as "buffet" dating services. That is, you pay a fixed amount and you can email and connect with as many partners as you have time for.
Chnlove.com, on the other hand, could be described as an à la carte online dating service. That is, you pay for each piece you order off the menu: each letter back and forth is paid for. This different model of payment has a profound effect on the resulting relationships you are likely to develop.

One big advantage of Chnlove.com is, when you are communicating with a given lady on the other side (in China, that is), you know she is not being bombarded with hundreds of letters. You know this because each letter costs some man on this side anything from $4 to $8, depending on how many credits he has purchased from Chnlove. This, I know from first-hand personal experience, has a profound effect on the quality of each communication.
Also, the price per letter has made me very disciplined about the letters I write, and it keeps the number of ladies I am prepared to talk with to a minimum. The cost also makes me write long letters, since it costs the same whether you type 1,000 characters or 6,000 characters. This improves my chances of developing a good relationship with the lady on the receiving end.

Another advantage of Chnlove.com over the .cupid.com websites is, each lady online is required to prove their identity, get photographed professionally, weighed and measured before their profile is uploaded by the agency itself. FilipinoCupid.com profiles can be, well, a pack of lies.
another blog posting
FilipinoCupid, com, on the other hand, is a free for all. You will notice that when your profile is active and you are online, you might get bombarded with hundreds of online chat requests, as well as offers to connect waiting for you in your inbox. It is hard to keep track of it all, and even harder to work out who the serious women are.

A disadvantage of seeing only professionally taken profile pictures is that a lady often looks a lot plainer in real life. On a few occasions, I was shocked to see the real lady when the photo arrived.
In some cases, I would not have recognized the person in reality if I were to use the professionally taken photo as a guide.

So, be careful not to fall in love with the studio photo, and be sure to ask her for a few real photos before you get too involved. She may look a WHOLE lot different in reality than she does in her studio photos.

In the long run, you are better off filtering out the half-hearted prospective mates like Chnlove does for you simply by how it is structured.

The differences between Filipinas and Chinese women will be covered in another blog posting.