Monday, January 30, 2012

Traveling to meet the lady you met on for the first time

Sooner or later, there comes the time when you and/or your new girlfriend wish to meet for the first time. How soon do you bring up the subject? How far into the future do you plan your visit? How long will you stay there? Where will you stay there? What expectations around intimacy are reasonable? Bring gifts? Offer money?

How soon do you bring up the subject?

This will come very naturally to you. When the time is right, you will know. You can also talk about it without having to say "I will be there on July 12". You can discuss it obliquely, such as "honey, if our relationship develops over the next weeks, how might you feel about my visiting you a few months from now?" Remind her that you want her to "feel totally comfortable, so no need to reply to your inquiry yet". and so on.

How far into the future do you plan your first visit?

Realistically, you will need at least two months notice before you buy an airline ticket, if for no other reason than to keep your costs reasonable. In addition, flying across the Pacific gets considerably more expensive in their high season, the June - July time frame.
Needless to say, it is likely not a good idea to book a trip without explicit agreement with your new girlfriend. She will presumably want to take time off to be with you, so you will both need to co-ordinate that before you book any flights.
Also, each of you will need time to prepare, both physically and psychologically. Perhaps you'd like to work off those few extra lbs before you travel, or she might need to wrap up a previous relationship or simply need time to grow into the idea of meeting you. You will get a better result if you move slowly. And when you are waiting to travel after you have booked it, use the time to learn more about your new love, her culture and her country. Get fit and healthy before you travel. Learn about the city and/or region you will visit. Go prepared.

How long will you stay there?

Two weeks can be a long time to spend with someone you have met in person for the first time. There is a lot of emotional energy between you, and you might find two weeks to be hard work. Still, my first visit to a woman in Asia was for two weeks. The first few days were a bit tense, but we melted on about Day 4, and moved to an intimate stage of our relationship from there.

Where will you stay there?

you can get a traditional Chinese hotel, which I find to be very quaint, for around $20 to $30 a night. I would highly recommend this type of accommodation over a fancy western style hotel which may run you 3 or 4 times that amount. It also sends the clear message to your potential future loved one that you embrace her culture. "If it's good enough for her, it's good enough for me" is how I looked at it, and that came across very positively to my new lover.
Talk to her about accommodation long before you get there. See if you need to book ahead, but likely, if you are traveling off-season, you can go on spec wen you arrive. finding a local traditional hotel with your Chinese woman by your side will also get you a better deal. She will know how to bargain for the best deal. Having her there to talk Chinese to the hotel staff might allow you to negotiate for a bigger room, a bigger bed or a better view.

What expectations around intimacy are reasonable?

What can you reasonably expect?
So here's the 64,000-dollar question. Let's ask the question bluntly: When do you first have sex?
Personally, I did not arrive on my first visit assuming anything. Unless you get the explicit message from your lady that she is willing, I would not assume it. Although I know some guys think "hey, I paid to fly all the way here, I expect some action", I believe it is better to be patient. Very likely, yes, she will be willing, ready and excited to make love with you soon after you arrive, (maybe a few days into the trip), but likely she will want to see that you are what she thought you were. For example, if your profile pictures are 15 years old, and now you are 20 lbs heavier and have since lost most of your hair, she may be shocked at how much older you look now. Even when you really do look like the photos you sent to her, there is always a bit of a shock factor. She will not look quite like her photos either, so bear that in mind.
This goes back again to the honesty. The clearer the picture of you she has before you arrive, the more smoothly EVERYTHING will go.

Bring gifts?

Unless you are Brad Pitt, in which case your arrival is your very gift, it is customary to bring a gift or gifts to your loved one. In fact, it might be nice to bring a gift for every member of her immediate family.
It's not the time yet for that $10,000 engagement ring, but a $500 necklace could really touch her heart. A personal gift can work wonders. Perhaps a heart-shaped pendant on a necklace that opens and can take a photo of you and her side-by-side, or some such gift. If you buy such a small but expensive gift, you might consider some other items in addition, like chocolates (Frans or such, no cheap stuff), perfume , a nice tee-shirt, a big warm set of pajamas that might be difficult to find there. Be careful not to buy generic made-in-China products, though.

Offer money?

Another tough question.
Some Chinese ladies struggle financially. Some of the finest, most beautiful and ideal women in China might not even have a good education and might struggle to make ends meet, still living with their family of origin. You may earn $70,000 here in North America, while she earns $5,000 in a small town in China.
I recommend you do not give any money to her until you have seen her in person. The only exception to this rule is if you ask her to meet you and travelling to meet you (say, at an airport a distance from her town), she will have to spend some money to get there. Insist that you cover her costs and then some. Use Western Union or Money Gram to send her 2x what you expect she may have to spend on your behalf. It will still be peanuts; don't be cheap.
When you are there, you can expect to pay for EVERYTHING, including perhaps groceries if you go shopping in the market with her mother. It's all good, though. It's still cheap, and it is a very good investment in good will in your new love one's family and relationship. Show them all you are not cheap!
Look, is bringing you in touch with a lady the likes of which you WILL NEVER find here in your own country. Pour your heart into this relationship and you will find the gorgeous, fun and interesting woman who has fallen in love with you will bring incredibly joy and happiness to your life.

Preparing for the first few minutes...

Any person with feelings will feel at least a little tense as the moment approaches when you will meet your potential future partner for the first time. I know for me, it was definitely so. Still, there are plenty of things you can do to ease the anxiety around that first meeting.
More to come here...

What women on respond to most favorably

As I've mentioned in a previous blog posting, I was surprised at how I could hold the attention of a number of stunning women on, despite being considerably older than them. I understand better now, what they are most likely to respond to. Here's are my thoughts:

  • Honesty. By the time your English letter gets translated into Chinese, it is often much clearer to the lady on the other end just how honest you are. I have found the translators to be pretty darn good at getting my message across, because the response to questions, etc., suggests they really understood the questions I ask.
  • Look closely at the photos they send for clues about the dress sense, their hair style, their best features (e.g. nice long fingers, their smile, eyes, etc.). You might even guess at who else is in the picture or where it might have been taken. Comment on those aspects and show her that you are truly interested. Taking the time to read her letter carefully, making sure to answer any questions she has asked you, tells her you are likely focusing on her now, and not a dozen ladies at the same time.
  • Tell her about your original family (the one your grew up in). Give her a few early family photos so she gets a sense of your origins, what you looked like as a young boy or man, what your family circumstances were, etc.. This will help her get a sense that you are "real" and not just a profile on a dating site.
  • Keep a folder on your computer to manage all the photos she sends you. It can be very nice to browse that folder during the day to "internalize" the relationship you are now developing.
  • more to come...

How works, at a high level

For Men using

If you are tired of dating women from your neighborhood, or tired of trying to meet that special person in a random encounter in a local bar, or you are intrigued by the exotic beauty and allure of a Chinese woman, might be for you. But, there are ways to make it really work for you, which I outline below, from my direct experience.

What makes different from the usual dating website?

It shocked me at first. The pay-as-you-use model used by Chnlove seemed to be rather expensive. After using it for a while, though, and having spent about $600 so far, I believe it is rather cost-effective when you consider how effective it is in helping you find the ideal mate.

At about $4 a translated letter, it's a lot more economical than buying a $7 glass of wine (or 3 or 4, or a whole fancy dinner for that matter) for that girl-hopeful you met in a local bar.
Because each back and forth letter is paid for (by the man), you know that the lady you are talking with is only receiving serious communications -- if any -- from other men on the site. In contrast, other all-you-can-eat-for-$20-a-month websites allow men to "carpet-bomb" all the women on the site and hope that one flower may rise from it. Chnlove, as far as my experience tells me, has relatively little back and forth communications, but I've found that each woman takes each communication seriously. And I tend to put my heart into every letter (limited to 6,000 characters) because I have to pay for each one.
Perhaps more importantly, the women on the site all must be ID-verified, which means that the age they post on the website is correct, they are weighed at the dating agency sponsored by Chnlove, so you know their weight is correct, and their photos and profile are entered by the agency endorsed by Chnlove.
All that means is that, what you see on a lady's profile is accurate. When you think you are developing a relationship with a 33 year-old woman in Changsa, you are not, in fact, talking to a 57 year-old pervert in up-state New York.

  • Be picky: There are tens of thousands of women on the site. Don't jump for the first one that looks pretty.
  • Don't start up a conversation unless you are really interested. Chinese women -- and I suspect Asian women in general -- respond very positively to a decent man who shows interest in them. Don't build them up only to drop them like a rock a week later.
  • Use a natural, recent and candid photo of yourself in your profile. if you ever get to fly to that special lady six months from now, you don't want her to be shocked by the fact that you are, actually, 15 years older than your profile picture. Better to let some drop off the radar now than you being abandoned in the hotel after she has had a good look at your generous frame.
  • Make sure every aspect of your profile is correct. If you smoke, say you smoke. When/if you give them up, you can change your profile then. if you weigh 200 lbs, don't put 170 lbs because you plan on going on a diet.
  • If you are not single (e.g. separated and in the middle of a divorce) say separated. When you walk out of the court with your divorce decree in hand, you can change your profile to specify Divorced at that point. Chinese ladies serious about a life long relationship like to move on your new relationship, and they cannot if you are still married.
  • Recommended: If you are still married but separated, my suggestion to you is to disengage your Chnlove profile until you are, in fact, divorced. You probably feel lonely and craving for the new relationship, but it is unlikely any relationship you develop while in transition will amount to anything. More likely, you will only attract those women who don't understand how really unavailable you are.
  • When you write a letter to your lady, fill it out completely. You have 6000 characters of space, and you pay the full translation price no matter what, so you might as well use all of it.
  • Tell them about yourself. Talk about your family, your friends, your likes, how you fill your day, your weekends, what your work is like. Let them know you. Talk about your feelings, what you like in a woman, and encourage your lady to talk about her feelings too. I invited them to ask me any personal question they like. Interestingly, this always started a conversation about sex. I have been surprised at how modern and candid the ladies I spoke to were. The old-fashioned China is disappearing fast, and you might be surprised at how liberated many of them are now. Remember, though, not to be too pushy in your sex talk. This can be received as a little pervy, so let them initiate any talk of intimacy.
  • if you are divorced, sooner or later, your lady is going to want to know how it all happened. When you tell your personal story, be sure to keep all your bitterness or any anger you might have for your ex out of the story.
  • It appears to me that the vast majority of women on the website are truly and absolutely interested in finding a decent guy, getting married and moving to the United States. I am an average-looking guy. I am a reasonably fit, but a bit overweight. I do have most of my hair which is still dark, with no gray or white yet. I am no Brad Pitt, but neither am I Quasimodo. Still, when I show interest in women in their mid-twenties -- some of them drop-dead gorgeous women -- they are always interested in me in return. A quick look at my profile, and they are quickly interested in pursuing the relationship.  In a separate posting, I will list about what the ladies on respond very well to, and what I think they are really interested in, on greater detail.

More coming soon..