Tuesday, March 13, 2012

When do you first get "intimate"?

This must be a burning question for most men who sign up on Chnlove. If you are an American or European, you might be used to "going all the way" after only a few dates with your average western woman in North America. Although China has changed a lot in the past couple of decades, it is still very much a society of women divided among the Vixenly and the Virtuous. In other words, the average young Chinese woman is likely either a virgin, or she has plenty of sexual experience under her belt. I would venture to say that, among 25 year-old single Chinese women, 20% account for 90% of the sexual activity. But that's just my personal guess, based on dozens of conversations and interactions with Chinese women in that age group on the Chnlove.com website.

So, you've decided to visit your lady. You've had many letters back and forth, some telephone conversations, and you have a folder full of nice photos she has sent to you over the past months. You've both spoken of a visit by you to her, and finally, the time has come to break some real ground. You actually book a plane ticket. Wow! That first step, I felt when I took it, was huge. As soon as you buy a ticket, the next step is to get a visitor visa for China. The company I used to get mine is here, by the way. (I have no affiliation or relationship with that company, by the way). Including Fed-exing it back to your home overnight, the cost was about $160 for a multiple entry visa from them.

You've bought your air ticket, and your visa is on its way. For the first time in your relationship with a lady so far away, you are actually going to take the huge step of visiting her. The clock is ticking, and you will likely -- if you are like me -- count down the weeks then days to stepping onto that plane.

You can always back out at the last minute, of course. That must happen occasionally. If you've got another two months to wait, you might meet someone else in that time, your work or other life circumstances might make it impossible, or you might simply lose your nerve.

How to make it easier

I am fifty years old. I got divorced a few years ago after a two decades-long marriage. Getting involved with a young woman, let alone one from such a different culture, frankly frightened the life out of me early on. I had been with only one woman, my ex-wife, for the previous two decades, so I felt like I was almost starting over again, almost like I was a virgin all over again. I did feel nervous, for sure.
Here are my suggestions for that first visit:
  • Don't plan on having sex with the new woman in your life. It might happen, sure. But don't plan on it. If you are interested in her for the long term, you can wait for the second trip if it turns out that way. Likely, though, if the relationship is going anywhere, you will consummate your relationship on your first visit.
  • Plan to stay in a hotel near where she lives, but not around the corner. Maybe within three or four miles of a point convenient to her, such as her home or her workplace, will be near enough. This will give her a sense that you are not crowding her out. It may take her time to introduce you to her family and friends, so the extra space will allow her to manage that in a way that makes her comfortable. Remember, your arrival -- the big foreign-looking-and-sounding westerner -- is in itself a huge shock to her. Let her manage your entry into her life the way she wants. It is, after all, her country you are in.
  • Before you depart north America, make a solid plan to visit her city, town and neighboring areas. Do plenty of research before you go, to help you know the city you will be visiting. Read up on the culture, history, tourist attractions, etc..
    I perused Wikipedia for every detail of Changsha (a city with a population of over 7 million) before I ever visited the city. What's more, it gave me plenty of talking points when I was lettering back and forth to my lady from that city, long before I ever met her.
    In the worst case, if she stands you up, you have a wonderful Chinese city to experience on your own.
  • Plan as if you were to meet her every two or three days. If you really hit it off, great! You can see her every day and if it develops, she may well be spending the night with you at least once before your trip is over.
  • Although you may well see the new relationship develop in a way that presents an opportunity for you to invite her to sleep over, be aware that she will likely be far less experienced than you. In addition -- and perhaps more importantly -- Chinese women are usually more passive and in need of intimacy respect than the average western woman. So, don't make any assumptions about sexual behavior she might engage in. Instead, take it very gently and slowly. 
  • What I have found to be a real ice breaker is to give her a thorough foot massage. Perhaps you are in your hotel room, you suggest you watch a movie (which will likely be in Chinese -- go with it). Offer to give her a foot massage while she is sitting watching the movie. This will both make her relaxed, and will give you a change to become physically close. As a prelude to what might happen later, both these effects are advantageous.
  • Take it in small steps. The first time you and she are alone in your hotel room, it might be for her to simply drop you there after she picked you up from the airport. The second time, it might be when she comes to visit you the next day and you are rested and all cleaned up for the day's activities. The third time, it might be for you both to watch a movie together. Don't rush it. Take every visit as a small step towards intimacy later in your visit. Still, keep your eyes open for the cue from her to -- for instance -- invite her to stay the night. Remember, Chinese ladies are reluctant to give any bold invitation to intimacy. A strong "I am available to have sex" message would be in conflict with her cultural need to appear virtuous. Instead, she will be far more subtle. It might be by lingering a little longer than the previous night. Look out for that cue and be ready to respect and maintain her virtue by being the one to come up with the idea. It might start with holding her hand while watching a movie on the hotel TV. It might be how she responds if you put your arms around her waist as she looks out the hotel window.
There are many reasons for taking these steps. Most of all, it takes a lot of psychological pressure off your potential future wife (you are here in search of a life long partner, right?), so she doesn't freak out at the last minute and not show up. I fear that was exactly what happened with the first lady from Chnlove I went to visit. It also takes pressure off you. Likely, you are a good deal older than she is, and perhaps this is the first time you have ever been with a woman so much young that you, so you may naturally feel a little bit intimidated. I know I was that first time. So give yourself a break and, long before you visit her, make it clear to her that there is no pressure to have sex (I never actually use that term with any lady I communicate with on Chnlove.com. Instead, I use the term "make love"). That way, if anything happens on that first visit, it will be spontaneous and no one will suffer from performance anxiety. That is, if you take things slow.

Once I booked my flight, I had some eight weeks to go before I traveled. I spent the time working out regularly, eating well, and generally taking care of myself, in order to be my best when she saw me for the first time.

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